- Jesus is coming: Everyone look busy!
- Horn broken: Watch for finger.
- If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished.
- Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
- Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks your a jerk.
- I'm driving this way just to piss you off.
- Keep honking, I'm reloading.
- Hang up and Drive.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie", until you can
find a large rock.
- Bad Cop! No donut!
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,
then used against you.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- Sex on television can't hurt you, unless you fall off !
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide
to play chess?
- The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
- There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the
- We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- To all you virgins: thanks for nothing.
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
- Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
- God must love stupid people; he made so many.
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
IRS.
- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
- A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.